Reasons I'm Not Allowed to Babysit

A list of things that will most likely be used against me in court.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Posted by Dan Ludwig at 12:42 PM

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About the author

Daniel Ludwig was born in 1945 to Mary O’Connell and a list of approximately 30 potential fathers. According to the police report, she didn’t know she was pregnant until the baby was staring up at her from the bottom of the toilet bowl where she had been peeing. Despite the name, Daniel insists that he is in fact not of German descent, and has gone on record saying that he is “American as shit”. He served as a corporal in Vietnam, where superiors noted his “horrifying, near supernatural abilities at murder”. After the war, he refused to leave, pointing out that there was “all the cocaine you can snort and all the babies you can eat”. When he got back to the states, Daniel worked as a bartender, dictionary salesman, manatee hunter, inspirational teacher at an inner city high school, cab driver, gigolo, and briefly a priest of a the catholic church. He was stripped of the position when found drunk off of the communion wine and aggressively making love to the crucifix.

He’s been arrested for grand theft auto, public drunkenness, drug trafficking, public nudity, arson, illegal possession of firearms, fireworks trafficking, slavery, driving under the influence, interspecies pornography, assaulting an officer, sodomizing an officer, impersonating an officer, unlicensed plastic surgery, armed robbery of seven different fast food restaurants, cattle rustling, possession of marijuana, possession of cocaine, possession of crack, possession of heroine, possession of crystal meth, possession of ecstasy, possession of mushrooms, firearm discharge on a kindergarten playground, grand theft cougar, hijacking of a b-52 bomber, voodoo, anal tomfoolery, impersonating a blind man, J-walking under the influence, breaking and entering, motorcycle theft, vandalism, kidnapping, operating a bulldozer while under the influence, multiple counts of pants theft, second degree cannibalism, theft of a class pet, dry humping a public servant, masturbating on a plane, refusal to reveal gender, resisting arrest and not wearing a seatbelt. He’s wanted in 12 countries, 8 of which he’s never been to. Approximately 35 laws have been written into legislation as a result of his actions. He prefers to be called Dan.

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

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