Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A Conversation between God and some Hippy

In the bible, it’s said that before he was crucified, Jesus went off into the hills alone to have a word with god. There’s been a great deal of debate as to what was actually said between the two; some say that Jesus plead for his life, that he is offers himself up for the sins of mankind, and even that the whole conversation was a series of violent anti-Semitic rhetoric (although Mel Gibson’s really the only one pushing this theory). Well now thanks to modern science we’re able to reconstruct the conversation, using that thing they do on TV where they play a piece of pottery like a record (or I got really hammered and watched Passion of the Christ. Whatever).

GOD: Hey Jesus how’s it going?

JESUS: Um, good.

GOD: Great, great. Listen, can we have a little talk, just father and son?

JESUS: Yeah sure Dad.

GOD: Great (sits down)So, I was being omniscient in your hut the other day, you know, cleaning-

JESUS: Oh shit.

GOD: And I couldn’t help but notice that you had some, well, some pretty provocative pictured stashed under your bed shaped wad of lamb flesh.

JESUS: Oh fuck me.

GOD: Who’s this Mary Magdalene?

JESUS: Nobody, just a friend.

GOD: Christ….

JESUS: A lady.

GOD: ….

JESUS: (a prostitute)

GOD: A prostitute.

JESUS: yes.

GOD: (sighs) Now Jesus, I’m not mad….

JESUS: son of a bitch.

GOD: Were you at least smart? Did you…

JESUS: What, use birth control?

GOD: Don’t make this uncomfortable Jesus, I just want to know if you did what they taught you in sex-ed and hit her in the stomach with a rock afterwards!

JESUS: Yes, god dammit!

GOD: Hey, don’t you take my name in vein young man!

JESUS: Oh come on, this is bullshit! You wouldn’t be giving Abraham this talk!

GOD: What are you saying?

JESUS: You let him fuck his way across the goddamn holy land! How come I can’t get away with shit?

GOD: Yeah, and I also made him hack off the end of his penis, so you should think about that before you start getting all uppity with me!

JESUS: God, you’ve been such a tight-ass since you started dating Sharon!

GOD: You leave her out of this!

SHARON: Is everything okay in here? I heard my name.

GOD: (shouting) Sharon, get back in the fucking den! I told you I’ll deal with this!

JESUS: Why are you even with her? She’s like twenty!

GOD: Hey you-

JESUS: You’ve got a good ten thousand years on her! If that’s not pedophilia than it least breaks the dating creepiness rule!

GOD: When did you start talking this way? Have you been hanging out with that Judas boy?

JESUS: Hey, Judas is cool!

GOD: He’s a bad influence! He drinks and he smokes and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him hanging out with those delinquent Romans! Why can’t you be friends with that nice John the Baptist like you used to?!

JESUS: Because he’s a fucking pussy!

GOD: Hey! I will not have you speaking that way as long as you live under my roof/holy land!

JESUS: Well you don’t have to! I’m going to go live with mom!

GOD: You stay away from that goddamn whore!

[Jesus leaves]

GOD: (sighs) Sharon!

SHARON: yes?

GOD: Get me my old crucifix out of the closet; it’s time for some tough love.

SHARON: Maybe you don’t have to-


[Sharon leaves, and god begins slowly pouring himself a scotch]

GOD: This, right here, this is why I drink.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Why I'm Not allowed to Babysit Anymore

Father: [Opening door] Dan! Thanks for coming over.

Me: Oh, it was no problem- I’m just happy to help a neighbor in need.

Mother: Well that’s very sweet of you.

Me: Isn’t it though?

Mother: uh, yeah. Yes it is.

Father: Well, we’d better get going if we’re going to make the movie. Tucker! Billy!

Kids: [From other room] Yeah Dad?

Father: We’re going, be good for Dan, Ok?

Kids: Okay.

Father: If you want to watch TV Tucker can show you how to use the remote, and help your self to anything in the fridge. Our cell number’s on the counter.

Mother: Bye kids!

Kids: Bye Mom!

[The parents leave, and the kids enter.]

Tucker: Hey Dan, what are we- what are those?

Me: What are whats?

Billy: those jars. What are in the jars; you have like, fifty of them.

Me: Oh, these? This is moonshine; it’s what grown up’s use to drown out the numbness and repress memories! And if you kids are good, you might just get some mixed in with your chocolate milk for what we call “nap time”.

Tucker: Why do you-

Me: [Smashing a recently emptied moonshine jar on the wall] So is your Mom seeing anybody or what?

20 minutes later

Stupid kid #1: Hey Dan, I know we weren’t supposed to interrupt you while you were watching Xena Warrior Princess unless we “grew a pair of tits”-

Stupid kid #2: which you still haven’t told us how to do.

Stupid Kid #1: But that fire you started in the bathroom is starting to get a little bit out of hand. Could we call the fire department?

Me: the fire department? Man, fuck those guys! They’re always like “stop putting gasoline on your sister” and “seven people died because you filled the fire hydrants with cherry Jell-o mix”. Am I right?

Stupid kid #1: Well, Ok. I guess, do you want to play Boggle or something?

Stupid kid #2: we’d play video games, but you sold our GameCube.

Me: Well I had to pay that prostitute somehow, didn’t I, you little smartass?”

Stupid kid #1: Risk- how about risk?

Me: That’s stupid. We’re not doing that.

Stupid kid #1: Well… Okay. What are we doing instead then?

Stupid kid #2: I don’t want to play catch the knife again.

Me: [sigh} I have an idea. You kids ever seen the movie Gladiator?

Stupid kid #1: Not really. Are we going to watch it?

Me: Mother Fucker, you’re going to live it!

A few hours later

Douchebag father: Hey everybody, we’re hooooooh my god is that broadsword?

Me: Oh hey, you’re home!

The one with the tits: Is….. That an arena? Did you turn my living room into a gladiatorial arena?

Me: Yes, yes I did. Why, are you turned on by that?

The one with the tits: What?

Douchebag father: You’re drunk!

Me: Hey, you know you’re not one who should be getting all judgmental Mr. my-children-are-tripping-balls-on-ether!

Douchebag father: They’re what-ing on what now?

One of the stupid, stupid kids: Dad? I think Billy needs to go to the hospital. He’s bleeding a lot.

Me: Oh man, you should have seen it- he took a trident right to the torso. Little bastard went down hard, didn’t you pussy?

The thing that wouldn’t shut up: Dan said to walk it off.

Me: Damn right I told you to walk it off! And did you?

The thing that wouldn’t shut up: No.

Me: No you did not, and that’s why you’re never going to make it as gladiator!

Douchebag father: Jesus Christ!

Me: I gave the little fucker a sponge for the bleeding, but he just keeps whining.

The one with the Tits: Oh my god, call an ambulance!

Me: Hey, c’mon, let’s all just sit down and have some moonshine! We’re just about to release the tigers for round 3!

Douchebag father: We have to- wait, you got tigers?

Me: Well, I got a tiger. For the other two I had to duct tape some knives to your cats.

Douchebag father: Alright, you need to get the fuck out of here before I call the police.

Me: Oh, they don’t respond to calls about me anymore. Besides, I’ve got to take something out of the oven in a few minutes. I’ll give you a hint: its crack!

Douchebag father: GET OUT!

Me: Fine, fine. Oh, and by the way, I broke your TV.

[The dickwad father acts like he’s shoving me out the front door and slamming it in my face, but he’s totally trying to feel me up, the pervert.]

Me: [yelling through the window] Am I getting paid or what?