In the bible, it’s said that before he was crucified, Jesus went off into the hills alone to have a word with god. There’s been a great deal of debate as to what was actually said between the two; some say that Jesus plead for his life, that he is offers himself up for the sins of mankind, and even that the whole conversation was a series of violent anti-Semitic rhetoric (although Mel Gibson’s really the only one pushing this theory). Well now thanks to modern science we’re able to reconstruct the conversation, using that thing they do on TV where they play a piece of pottery like a record (or I got really hammered and watched Passion of the Christ. Whatever).
GOD: Hey Jesus how’s it going?
JESUS: Um, good.
GOD: Great, great. Listen, can we have a little talk, just father and son?
JESUS: Yeah sure Dad.
GOD: Great (sits down)So, I was being omniscient in your hut the other day, you know, cleaning-
JESUS: Oh shit.
GOD: And I couldn’t help but notice that you had some, well, some pretty provocative pictured stashed under your bed shaped wad of lamb flesh.
JESUS: Oh fuck me.
GOD: Who’s this Mary Magdalene?
JESUS: Nobody, just a friend.
GOD: Christ….
JESUS: A lady.
GOD: ….
JESUS: (a prostitute)
GOD: A prostitute.
JESUS: yes.
GOD: (sighs) Now Jesus, I’m not mad….
JESUS: son of a bitch.
GOD: Were you at least smart? Did you…
JESUS: What, use birth control?
GOD: Don’t make this uncomfortable Jesus, I just want to know if you did what they taught you in sex-ed and hit her in the stomach with a rock afterwards!
JESUS: Yes, god dammit!
GOD: Hey, don’t you take my name in vein young man!
JESUS: Oh come on, this is bullshit! You wouldn’t be giving Abraham this talk!
GOD: What are you saying?
JESUS: You let him fuck his way across the goddamn holy land! How come I can’t get away with shit?
GOD: Yeah, and I also made him hack off the end of his penis, so you should think about that before you start getting all uppity with me!
JESUS: God, you’ve been such a tight-ass since you started dating Sharon!
GOD: You leave her out of this!
SHARON: Is everything okay in here? I heard my name.
GOD: (shouting) Sharon, get back in the fucking den! I told you I’ll deal with this!
JESUS: Why are you even with her? She’s like twenty!
GOD: Hey you-
JESUS: You’ve got a good ten thousand years on her! If that’s not pedophilia than it least breaks the dating creepiness rule!
GOD: When did you start talking this way? Have you been hanging out with that Judas boy?
JESUS: Hey, Judas is cool!
GOD: He’s a bad influence! He drinks and he smokes and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him hanging out with those delinquent Romans! Why can’t you be friends with that nice John the Baptist like you used to?!
JESUS: Because he’s a fucking pussy!
GOD: Hey! I will not have you speaking that way as long as you live under my roof/holy land!
JESUS: Well you don’t have to! I’m going to go live with mom!
GOD: You stay away from that goddamn whore!
[Jesus leaves]
GOD: (sighs) Sharon!
SHARON: yes?
GOD: Get me my old crucifix out of the closet; it’s time for some tough love.
SHARON: Maybe you don’t have to-
GOD: SHARON. NOW.
[Sharon leaves, and god begins slowly pouring himself a scotch]
GOD: This, right here, this is why I drink.
