Monday, April 26, 2010

People Should Really Stop Making Deals with the Devil

"... something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it, they were under the heel of the French, uh, you know, Napoleon the third and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the devil, they said, we will serve you, if you get us free from the French, true story. And so the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' And they kicked the French out, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free, and ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other, desperately poor."

-Pat Robertson, man who is inexplicably allowed on TV on a regular basis, on the 2010 Earthquake in Haiti

The Devil: Gentlemen, thank you for meeting me, sorry for the wait, it’s just been a really crazy week. Europe has just been blowinup lately, and well, I have been downright swamped taking care of those crazy bastards, am I right?

The Haitians: Um, it’s no problem.

The Devil: Alright, let’s get down to brass tax, shall we? [Flipping through folders] Lesse, this is the…. Haitians?

The Haitians: Yes sir.

The Devil: Like, the whole Country of Haiti? All of the Haitians?

The Haitians: Yes.

The Devil: Like, not the Haiti Liberation Army, or the Society for the Advancement of Haiti? Just, all the people in your entire country?

The Haitians: Yes sir.

Roul: Well, except for Craig.

Emile: But fuck that guy.

The Devil: And your request is that you want to “get rid of the French”. Oh man, like The French? I totally know those guys! What did they do this time?

The Haitians: They brutally colonized and dominated our entire country, and now refuse us the basic human dignity of sovereignty.

The Devil: Oh man, really? That is totally like them, but you know they stole everything they got from the British, and don’t even get me started on Belgium.

Jean: We want them out of our Country. We’ve had enough of their oppression, and we need your help to finally win our freedom. It is time for a Haiti free of the French.

Emile: To hell with the French swine!

The Devil: Alright, sounds good to me. I have here a standard “Revolution/Armed conflict Assurance” form, just fill it out really quick, and sign here- and here, agree to a few minor conditions and we can start killing some snail eaters!

The Haitians: Huzza!

[Begins filling out the form]

The Haitians: What’s the date?

The Devil: It’s the fourth.

The Haitians: Great and…. Oh.

The Devil: Is there a problem?

Jean: Roul? We don’t have a problem do we?

Roul: It’s no big deal, it’s just, um, this list of “conditions” pretty extensive. Like, 3 pages extensive.

The Devil: Oh all that? That’s just the pull to your take, the yang to this little yang you are requesting. I suppose you could look at it as the price to our little exchange.

Jean: Well what are they?

Roul: Well this first one here is “crippling poverty and economic oppression.”

Jean: Well, that doesn’t sound good.

The Devil: Oh, it’s not. Really, your entire country is going to spend the next few decades poorer than a dyslexic in Vegas, with every major first world country stealing your lunch money whenever they feel like it.

Jean: Oh, well that’s… How poor?

The Devil: I’m talking philosophy major poor.

Roul: Okay, I’m going to come out and say it now: that is going to be a problem.

Jean: Well what’s the next thing?

Roul: let’s see, well there’s “rampant child slavery”, “foreign assassination of our democratically elected leader”, constant tsunami and other disasters, and- what’s this about an earthquake?

The Devil: Oh that? Well in early 2010 your country is going to get hit with this giant ass earthquake, I mean a real doosey, and I’m not going to lie, it’ll pretty much level your entire society.

Roul: That’s horrible!

The Devil: Yeah, a bunch of people die. And then a bunch of celebrities will fly to your country and hand out soup to try to revitalize their ailing careers by looking like they still give a shit about poor people, and a bunch of American politicians are going to try to politicize the whole thing to further their shortsighted agendas, which between you and me are all moot anyway cuz the whole Country nukes itself to shit before the end of 2011.

Jean: Does anybody even help us?

The Devil: Well sorta. All the major religions send missionaries with aid, but they’re really douchey about it, y’know? Like they show up, and instead of handing out food, they start giving out bibles, and they make really snide comments about how “miserable” you people are. And a bunch of musicians that nobody cares about and actors with DUI’s get together to sing a really sad song about the whole thing. So, I guess you could say people “helped” in the loosest possible definition of the word.

Jean: Okay, well that’s (exhales) that’s pretty damn awful. But I mean, at least the French are in the same boat right? They get screwed over pretty hard, right?

Emile: Those goddamn French!

The Devil: Uh, not really, they actually do pretty well for themselves. I mean, you’ll get them out of the country, sure, but after that I think keep going strong from a couple of centuries. I’m actually pretty sure they’re one of those countries exploiting you.

Jean: Seriously?

The Devil: Yeah.

Roul: Is there anything, and I mean anything, else that we should know about before signing this.

The Devil: No nothing really. I mean besides the teensy tiny detail of John Travolta coming to your Country to preach Scientology.

Roul: Alright, you know what? I’m going on the record as being against signing this. We are signing a deal with the devil, and this contract is horrible by those already incredibly low standards, and come to think of it, we probably should’ve brought a lawyer! Why did we not do that?

The Haitians: [uncomfortable silence]

Roul: Does our Country seriously not have a single lawyer?

One of the Haitians: I practice environmental law!

Roul: Oh, go fuck yourself.

Jean: You know, Mr. Devil, I’m going to have to go with Roul- I don’t think I’m really comfortable with the language in this document. Could we do some rewrites or-

[Emile quickly snatches up the pen and signs the contract]

Roul: Emile, did you just sign that?

Emile: Yeah.

Roul: Why?!?

Emile: Because fuck the French, that’s why.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Last year: child wizards. This year: vampire dry humping: next year: zombie coke and sex parties

There’s been a lot of commotion lately about the book series Twilight. I didn’t actually know what the hell this was (frankly, until recently I thought Twilight was a brand of menstrual pad), but I recently just lost a film deal because my script about werewolf fisting was called unoriginal, so I delved into the internets to discover who the hell had beat me to the supernatural boning punch. Now there seems to be a lot of accusations flying around about this series: that it ruins vampires, has shitty writing, and is raising a generation of women with incredibly specific and bizarre sexual expectations (I hope a lot of the men reading this are unusually pale, perpetually speak in monotone, and are capable of poorly animated flight, because if not you are fucked). But these arguments ignore a critical point about twilight: it illuminates some critical points about gender roles in sexual awakening, because brother, there is no way that shit could have worked with the genders reversed.

Two teenage lovers, played by two actors clearly in their mid twenties, convene out in the woods. Don’t ask me why they’re in the woods, but they go there a lot so you should probably get used to it. Jake is young and handsome and in love. Or, I guess not so much in love as really horny. Really, I would categorize his emotional status as “a teenage boy in the presence of boobs”. Arviella is attractive, and pale, and rarely ventures out into the sunlight, which Jake really should have picked up on in the first place.

Arviella: Jake….

Jake: Arva- Arveo…. You.

Arviella: I love you so much it hurts me- as the moon loves the earth, the day loves the night, as the vampire loves blood. I am in ruin without you, for you are in my very Soul.

Jake: Yeah, y’know, ditto.

Arviella: The time has come to take our relationship to the next level.

Jake: Oh, fuck yes. [Begins rapidly taking off his pants]

Arviella: I’m going to reveal to you my deepest, darkest secret.

Jake: What, your vagina? You can stop selling it, already. I am good to go.

Arviella: Jake, do you ever wonder why my skin is cool to the touch and paper white?

Jake: Nope.

Arviella: Or why I move with the grace and power of a lioness, and the ferocity of a demon?

Jake: Not even a little.

Arviella: Or why I have fangs?

[Jake has ceased paying attention and begun putting on one of the many condoms stashed on his person]

Arviella: Jake, I am…. a vampire.

Jake: …….

Arviella: I know this must be difficult-

Jake: You still have lady parts though, right?

Arviella: Yes, for though the blood may be still in my veins, it is still the blood of a human, the blood of a woman.

Jake: Cool.

Arviella: You take this well for a mortal.

Jake: What, the vampire thing? I mean, you were already emo, so it was either this or you turn out to be cutting yourself. At least with this I get to bang a ten thousand year old chick. That’s like boning a teacher, but multiplied by Metallica.

Arviella: But Jake, we cannot be as one yet.

Jake: [looks up from penis] say what now?

Arviella: We cannot lay together, for it against the ways of my people.

Jake: What, vampires? You guys drink humans like friggin Capri-suns but you draw the line at porking?

Arviella: No, not vampires- Mormons. I have been saved by the Church of Latter Day saints, and so we may not know each other until we have been wed. But I know that we can last, for our love is-Jake?

[Jake is already half a mile away, storming angrily through the woods while reapplying his pants]

Jake: Man, I got to find myself some werewolf bitches. Now they’d be down to fuck.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Board Games Suck

For some reason, whenever I play Guess Who, something like this happens.

Me: Does your person have red hair?

Max: Nope.

Me: crap. [Flips down a few tiles}

Max: Does your person have glasses?

Me: Uh, yeah.

Max: nice. [Flips down more tiles]

Me: Alright, let’s see…. Would you have sex with your person?

Max: I don’t know- would they be good?

Me: So-so, but you’ve been drinking so it’s pretty much moot.

Max: So it’s like a one night stand thing?

Me: Well yeah, but you should at least call them the next day. That’s just etiquette.

Max: So I have to give them that whole talk about how I like them, but I just got out of a long term relationship and this isn’t going to work, and besides I’m really focusing on my career right now?

Me: Pretty much. And it’s pretty awkward.

Max: Right, right….. I’m going to say yes.

Me: Okay….. [Flips down a few tiles] is your person Richard?

Max: Yeah.

[Uncomfortable silence]

Me: I think we need to have a talk.

Max: See, this is why I wanted to play fucking Risk.