Thursday, April 15, 2010

Last year: child wizards. This year: vampire dry humping: next year: zombie coke and sex parties

There’s been a lot of commotion lately about the book series Twilight. I didn’t actually know what the hell this was (frankly, until recently I thought Twilight was a brand of menstrual pad), but I recently just lost a film deal because my script about werewolf fisting was called unoriginal, so I delved into the internets to discover who the hell had beat me to the supernatural boning punch. Now there seems to be a lot of accusations flying around about this series: that it ruins vampires, has shitty writing, and is raising a generation of women with incredibly specific and bizarre sexual expectations (I hope a lot of the men reading this are unusually pale, perpetually speak in monotone, and are capable of poorly animated flight, because if not you are fucked). But these arguments ignore a critical point about twilight: it illuminates some critical points about gender roles in sexual awakening, because brother, there is no way that shit could have worked with the genders reversed.

Two teenage lovers, played by two actors clearly in their mid twenties, convene out in the woods. Don’t ask me why they’re in the woods, but they go there a lot so you should probably get used to it. Jake is young and handsome and in love. Or, I guess not so much in love as really horny. Really, I would categorize his emotional status as “a teenage boy in the presence of boobs”. Arviella is attractive, and pale, and rarely ventures out into the sunlight, which Jake really should have picked up on in the first place.

Arviella: Jake….

Jake: Arva- Arveo…. You.

Arviella: I love you so much it hurts me- as the moon loves the earth, the day loves the night, as the vampire loves blood. I am in ruin without you, for you are in my very Soul.

Jake: Yeah, y’know, ditto.

Arviella: The time has come to take our relationship to the next level.

Jake: Oh, fuck yes. [Begins rapidly taking off his pants]

Arviella: I’m going to reveal to you my deepest, darkest secret.

Jake: What, your vagina? You can stop selling it, already. I am good to go.

Arviella: Jake, do you ever wonder why my skin is cool to the touch and paper white?

Jake: Nope.

Arviella: Or why I move with the grace and power of a lioness, and the ferocity of a demon?

Jake: Not even a little.

Arviella: Or why I have fangs?

[Jake has ceased paying attention and begun putting on one of the many condoms stashed on his person]

Arviella: Jake, I am…. a vampire.

Jake: …….

Arviella: I know this must be difficult-

Jake: You still have lady parts though, right?

Arviella: Yes, for though the blood may be still in my veins, it is still the blood of a human, the blood of a woman.

Jake: Cool.

Arviella: You take this well for a mortal.

Jake: What, the vampire thing? I mean, you were already emo, so it was either this or you turn out to be cutting yourself. At least with this I get to bang a ten thousand year old chick. That’s like boning a teacher, but multiplied by Metallica.

Arviella: But Jake, we cannot be as one yet.

Jake: [looks up from penis] say what now?

Arviella: We cannot lay together, for it against the ways of my people.

Jake: What, vampires? You guys drink humans like friggin Capri-suns but you draw the line at porking?

Arviella: No, not vampires- Mormons. I have been saved by the Church of Latter Day saints, and so we may not know each other until we have been wed. But I know that we can last, for our love is-Jake?

[Jake is already half a mile away, storming angrily through the woods while reapplying his pants]

Jake: Man, I got to find myself some werewolf bitches. Now they’d be down to fuck.

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