Thursday, June 10, 2010


An avid reader of this half-assed excuse for a blog (which is really just a half assed excuse for a website in the first place, essentially making me a quarter assed excuse for a writer) might have noticed that that posts have been a little scarce as of late. although if this thing actually has readers at all, let alone avid ones, they're probably too preoccupied chasing pigeons and aggressively stalking local political officials to notice much of anything. Anyway, the reason for this recent drought of mirth has two reasons:
1. I'm lazy, and my house has tivo.
2. It's summer, and writing is a lot more difficult when you don't have the added motivation of really not wanting to write a term paper.
Anyway, to hold you pathetic bastards over until I can write something to finally get me back on that FBI watch list, here's a film review a wrote a while back for my friends (visit that shit, the poor bastard desperately needs the traffic).

The Death of sci-fi (kicks so much ass it’s not even funny)

You may not have heard about it, but the French recently won cinema. Yup, we had a good run, but it’s time to pack up our shit, call it a day, and give whatever the French equivalent to Hollywood is all of the money. Because while we were working our asses off trying to make good movies, the French were biding their time, concentrating their entire creative landscape around creating Immortal, a film so retarded that it makes Sarah Palin’s kid look like a neurosurgeon. This film is so stupid, so balls out crazy, so goddamn full of itself, that it’s singlehandedly more beautiful than every Oscar winning film we’ve churned out in the last decade combined. It turns stupid into an art form, albeit one that you wouldn’t really pay a lot of money to hang up in your house. This movie takes the definition of a movie so bad that it becomes awesome, slaps a wig on it, and makes it its’ bitch.

For a good reference of this film that director Enki Bilal (Jesus, is it even legal to name your kid something like that?) has proudly shit into our DVD players, you should understand French cinema. When they’re not making black and white short films about depressed clowns smoking cigarettes, the French like their movies trippy and horrifying. I’m talking about stuff that makes Charlie Kaufman films look like romantic comedies. They film things like City of Lost Children. If you really want to understand Immortal, just picture City of Lost Children, and then rip out your fucking brainstem and replace it with a solid block of every hallucinogen known to man, because Immortal does not give a fuck by European standards.

As I said before, the film is balls out crazy. At one point, an eagle murders a hammerhead shark man with heat vision to save a woman with electric nipples. It just took me thirty seven minutes to type that sentence because I kept having to clean the semen off my keyboard. And don’t think that the scene makes any more sense in context because motherfucker, it makes even less sense in context. This movie takes sense and skullfucks the shit out of it. I would recommend seeing it high, but I don’t want to be held responsible when potheads (all four that will read this) rip out their own brains in sheer confusion. I actually had to watch it three times just to make sure I wasn’t having some sort of stroke.

This is a movie with the philosophy that every scene can be improved by the addition of laser eagles, and if it already has laser eagles then it needs more laser eagles, and you’re an idiot for not already adding a demon shark. This director looks at every moment of his films and asks how he can fit lighting into it, and god help the poor coffee boy who tells him that he’s wandered onto the set of Spiderman 2 and Aunt May doesn’t shoot lighting out of her hands because Enki Bilal will lightning the shit out of him, because physics does not apply to this man.

First of all, the plot is like having a 12 year old explain Blade Runner to you while he’s tripping balls on LSD. It takes place in a vaguely 1984-ish totalitarian future where corporations control everything and genetic modification has become the norm- you know, the fresh original setting that every Sci-Fi movie ever takes place in. Oh yeah, and there’s also a giant pyramid floating over the city. Like, a big, ancient pyramid hovering away in central park. It can’t be very important though, because nobody really seems to give crap. Seriously , if the ancient Egyptians parked one of their monuments over my goddamn city, I think I would fire a few missiles at it, or at least write it a ticket for being double parked.

So Horus comes down from the Pyramid, and I shit you not, the film centers around him trying to get laid. He just sort of wanders around the city trying get somebody pregnant, then possess the body of some Russian dude and starts raping a lady with blue hair. If any of that made sense to you, then call your doctor because your medication has stopped working. And the blue chick isn’t even that pissed about it! She’s just sorta like “did you rape me last night?” and the dudes just like “yeah my bad” and she just shrugs and shows her boobs that have blue nipples for some reason. I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that’s the exact opposite of feminism. It’s like the director was trying to lash out at his abusive mother by teaching the men of the world that’s it’s okay to commit rape as long as you think you’re possessed by an Egyptian god. Then the bad guy, an evil red half man- half hammerhead shark (half man- half hammerhead shark! How have you not bought this movie already?) shows up, and shit gets crazy…-ier.

And let’s not forget the CGI. The CGI happens in this movie so randomly that it’s like 1994 computer game threw up into film reel as they were editing it. Random characters are CGI- and not like gods or aliens or anything, just people. All the extras are CGI. Somehow, this movie’s producer couldn’t find enough actors to cast his movie without resorting to generating them out a computer. Do you know how impossible that is? Go outside right now and ask the first person you see if they want to act in your movie. They will say yes.

And the CGi is bad- really fucking bad. It looks like Shrek got Finding Nemo pregnant, but right before the delivery somebody jammed an eggbeater into the womb. This movie looks like George Lucas had an abortion. I could animate better characters on an N64. And they try to make it look less shitty by dressing the live action characters like their CGI so it looks like really lifelike animation. It’s an idea so blindingly retarded that it works for half the movie. I spent the first 30 minutes thinking I was watching the greatest animation of all time before my brain started trying to force its way out of my eyes to escape how fucking stupid I am.

What really makes this movie awesome is that it takes every crazy idea that nerds thought up while masturbating to Linux in their parents’ basement but were never used because they made little to no sense, and uses the hell out of them. You want a future where people get around in cars hanging from a series of cables? Done. You want 15 minutes of a lady with electric hair eating live eels? Done. You want to see random characters explode for little to no reason? So fucking done. You want to see weird Asian prostitute lady? They have three. You want a main character with a magical robotic leg? They did that 20 minutes ago, and they’re a little hurt you even had to ask.

The whole movie is just a giant dogpile of gloriously stupid ideas. This is the ultimate geeky fantasy put onto film, the movie that they’ve been longing for. And you know what? It kinda justifies how shitty you guys were treated in high school.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

200 deaf boys- because apparently catholicism is going for some sort of record

You may have heard that a while ago, it was discovered that over two hundred deaf boys were molested by a priest of the Catholic Church (Really, at this point it’s starting to seem like the only difference between the Vatican and the Nazi party is that the people running the Nazi party had cooler uniforms). I like to think that when that news broke, somewhere in the world this happened:

Secretary: (answering the phone) Mark Pinkerton’s office, trial lawyer specializing in sign language- “He speaks for you, even if you can’t hear him”.

Mark: Yeah Carol, it’s me, you can skip the jingle. I’m in on my way to the office now, and I want you to clear my schedule!

Secretary: Okay, it is…. Already clear. You don’t have any appointments for today- or this week. We don’t have any clients for a while actually. Why exactly are you coming in?

Mark: Carol, have you seen the news?

Secretary: I don’t-


Secretary: Does ”E news” count?

Mark: Unless E news is talking about how a bejillion deaf boys just got diddled by a member of the fucking Vatican, I don’t think it does Carol!

Secretary: So, I should-

Mark: What you should do, Carol, is call my yatch guy and tell him I’m about to make it rain. But before that, you should get me a yatch guy. And then I want you to call up my father, my brother, my old boss, the loan agents at citizens’ bank, and every other asshole who told me that a law firm specially targeted at the hard of hearing was a poor business model, and I want you to tell them to suck it! Can you do that Carol?

Secretary: I think so? Honestly, I’m not really used to doing work at this job- I didn’t even know the phones worked until two seconds ago. Are you really sure we’re going to make that much money?

Mark: Carol, there are at least two hundred of these little Helen Keller mother fuckers, and each one just learned the sign for “bad touch” from a member of a church who built an entire city out of gold for Jesus. There could not possibly be a more profitable court case if Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch got together to violently gang rape Michael J. Fox and his entire family. We are going to be so rich that you’re going to be able to buy a pair of tits that don’t look some sort of horrific tumor collection was duck taped to you chest. God bless those kids, and each one of their silent, ruined assholes!

Secretary: Well okay, I’ll start making some calls. But for the record, I don’t think you should talk like that when the deaf boys show up.

Mark: Oh what are they gonna do- hear me?