Thursday, June 3, 2010

200 deaf boys- because apparently catholicism is going for some sort of record

You may have heard that a while ago, it was discovered that over two hundred deaf boys were molested by a priest of the Catholic Church (Really, at this point it’s starting to seem like the only difference between the Vatican and the Nazi party is that the people running the Nazi party had cooler uniforms). I like to think that when that news broke, somewhere in the world this happened:

Secretary: (answering the phone) Mark Pinkerton’s office, trial lawyer specializing in sign language- “He speaks for you, even if you can’t hear him”.

Mark: Yeah Carol, it’s me, you can skip the jingle. I’m in on my way to the office now, and I want you to clear my schedule!

Secretary: Okay, it is…. Already clear. You don’t have any appointments for today- or this week. We don’t have any clients for a while actually. Why exactly are you coming in?

Mark: Carol, have you seen the news?

Secretary: I don’t-


Secretary: Does ”E news” count?

Mark: Unless E news is talking about how a bejillion deaf boys just got diddled by a member of the fucking Vatican, I don’t think it does Carol!

Secretary: So, I should-

Mark: What you should do, Carol, is call my yatch guy and tell him I’m about to make it rain. But before that, you should get me a yatch guy. And then I want you to call up my father, my brother, my old boss, the loan agents at citizens’ bank, and every other asshole who told me that a law firm specially targeted at the hard of hearing was a poor business model, and I want you to tell them to suck it! Can you do that Carol?

Secretary: I think so? Honestly, I’m not really used to doing work at this job- I didn’t even know the phones worked until two seconds ago. Are you really sure we’re going to make that much money?

Mark: Carol, there are at least two hundred of these little Helen Keller mother fuckers, and each one just learned the sign for “bad touch” from a member of a church who built an entire city out of gold for Jesus. There could not possibly be a more profitable court case if Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch got together to violently gang rape Michael J. Fox and his entire family. We are going to be so rich that you’re going to be able to buy a pair of tits that don’t look some sort of horrific tumor collection was duck taped to you chest. God bless those kids, and each one of their silent, ruined assholes!

Secretary: Well okay, I’ll start making some calls. But for the record, I don’t think you should talk like that when the deaf boys show up.

Mark: Oh what are they gonna do- hear me?

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