When I was a kid, I had a lot of imaginary friends. Now, one might assume that this was due to the fact that my tendencies towards verbal abuse and random biting made me a bit of an outcast- you’re wrong. It was because I was imaginative as hell.
Anyway, despite my Stephen King-esque level of imagination, a lot of my metaphysical companions were- let’s say inadequate, and had to be scrapped. For every Tyler Durden and Drop Dead Fred, there were a thousand boring, annoying, and sometimes downright dangerous friends who needed to be shown the door. Needless to say, I got into some pretty awkward conversations with myself. I’ve gone through the worst of them, and catalogued them so that future generations of ugly children can learn from my mistakes.
Discarded imaginary friend #1
Name: Tommy the Train.
Time of use: Kindergarten
Reason for termination: constant, forceful, and often inappropriate suggestions.
Me: hey Tommy? I think we need to talk.
Tommy: (in an exceedingly wacky voice) Hey Dan! What are we doing today?
Tommy: (hissing) you should murder your parents.
Me: (Silence) That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I think I’m going to have to let you go buddy.
Tommy: you’re firing me? But what about all the good times we’ve had together?
Me: Yeah. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we’ve had our fun Tommy, but honestly, you’re starting to freak me out a little man.
Tommy: what? How?
Me: well for starters-
Tommy: rape people.
Me: It’s that! Stop doing that! You keep telling me to do stuff! Weird stuff! Not only it that bossy, but ever time I listen to you I get in trouble and have to frame the retarded kid down the street!
Tommy: what stuff? I don’t tell you to do stuff? I would never tell you to do bad things Dan- I love you!
Me: You’re serious right now? Last week you told me eat a baby’s face. And two days ago you said I should finger bang Mrs. Fisher down the street. I don’t even know what that is, but I’m pretty sure it’s horrible.
Me: last Thursday you spent a half hour trying to get me to shit in a cat.
Tommy: so, this is happening. You’re actually throwing me away.
Me: I’m really sorry, but telling me to bring a chainsaw to school was the last straw.
Tommy: can we at least do cocaine one last time before I go?
Me: Yeah sure, why not.
Discarded Imaginary friend #2:
Name: Carl Johnson
Time of use: 2nd grade
Reason for termination: boring
Carl: Dan? You wanted to see me?
Me: Carl, good to see you. Please have a seat.
Carl: this is a bathroom.
Me: I trust you got my memo?
Carl: you mean that crayon drawing of a picture of a green cat throwing up?
Me: It was the Hulk fighting- you know what, that’s beside the point. You’re fired.
Carl: What? On what grounds?
Me: You’re boring Carl. You’re really boring.
Carl: Are you serious. I’m fun! I’m hip!
Me: No you’re not, and nobody under the age of 40 says “hip”.
Carl: what are you talking about? Remember yesterday when we balanced our checkbooks? That was crazy, wasn’t it?
Me: No, that was actually pretty painful. So was that time you taught me “the dangers of tanning”.
Carl: Well I’m sorry for trying to save you from skin cancer.
Me: honestly Carl, you’re lucky to have survived this long. This was pretty much a misfire from the start.
Me: Well for starters, you were supposed to be black.
Carl: that’s…. that’s racist. You’re a racist.
Me: Yeah…. Get out.
Discarded Imaginary friend #3
Name: Chet Thunderburn
Time of use: 7th grade
Reason for termination: permanent damage to self esteem
Chet: (yawns) morning.
Me: it’s three in the afternoon.
Chet: Really? Man, that party last night was crazy!
Me: you went to a party?
Chet: Oh man, Trevor Mathews threw a sick kegger out in Boston. It was crazy. What did you do last night?
Me: oh you know, played ping pong. Alone. Again.
Chet: (clearly not listening) sounds great. Listen I’d love to hang out some more, but I’m going to the mall with Kayla.
Me: Kayla Moroni?
Chet: Yeah, You know her?
Me: The girl I’ve had a crush on since the third grade? Yeah, I think I’ve heard about her.
Chet: We’re really tight.
Me: You, uh, wanna bring me along?
Chet: Yeah. No.
Me: Great. Listen, this isn’t working out. I think its time we went our different ways.
Me: You’re taking this surprisingly well.
Chet: Eh, whatever. Actually I’ve been meaning to tell you: I got a new job as Jenna Keith’s sexual fantasy.
Me: Jenna Keith? The cheerleader?
Chet: Yep. I’m going to help her understand her changing body.
Me: Oh. I’m happy for you.
Chet: yeah, well…. I should probably get going. Peace! (Flies away on motorcycle that is also a gargoyle)
Discarded imaginary friend #5:
Name: Alex Trebeck
Time of use: 7th grade
Reason for termination: he was Alex Trebeck
Trebeck: (Pause) This large water dwelling mammal is-
Me: I immediately regret creating you.