Sunday, February 21, 2010

On getting Women

Fact: Vaginas are awesome. Also Fact: the best place to get contact with a vagina is on a woman (vaginas can also be found on cats, blow up dolls, and some men. Unfortunately, these vaginas are vastly inferior in quality.) Therefore, you must convince a woman to let you fuck her. But how is this done? Women are repulsed by your pot belly and that thing growing on your neck; how can you motivate them to take their pants off in front of you?
Fear not; your libido will soon be satisfied. It’s simply a matter of knowing the things that get a woman’s motor running (by motor I mean lady parts. Don’t worry, women don’t have engines- at least not yet).
#1: puppies.
Puppies are annoying, hyperactive little sacks of drool, piss and shit; but for some reason women go completely ape shit for them. They’re drawn to the little bastards, as if they’re some sort of uterus tractor beams. Getting yourself a cute, soft, little puppy is the first step on doing yourself a horizontal ho-down. Most people would tell you to buy a puppy from a pet store; however, as with apples, puppies are better fresh picked. Go to the park, and begin your harvest. Just find a small child walking their pet; the more they seem to love it, the better. Simply walk up, push the kid down, and take the puppy. The kid may cry, but it’s ok. I’m fairly certain children don’t have souls. Begin walking around with the little fur ball; women will be drawn to you like homeless men to a passed out teenage girl. Women love puppies, almost as much as they love:
#2: tragedy.
Have you ever been to a ski resort (skiing is for pussies, but the resorts have orgasmic bars) and seen a bunch of hot women fawning over the ugly guy in the full body cast from a horrible bobsled accident? Do you know why that happens? Because nothing tugs at the old thong-strings like tragedy.
Women love misfortune. Nothing fulfills that motherly, nurturing instinct better than fucking some guy who just got evicted.
And so, you must become tragic. Not in the way you’re already tragic (you’re a raging alcoholic, you’re unemployable, and you cry whenever sober), but in a cool way that’s not your fault. A broken or dismembered limb always works, but that would require you to suffer bodily harm.
This is where the puppy comes in handy yet again.
I’m not going to lie: breaking puppy’s legs is hard. The little fucker will struggle like you wouldn’t believe, and people keep intervening and calling you a monster. Luckily he’ll give up after the second leg, and people lose interest faster than you’d think.
If you’re worrying about a woman seeing you shattering the little pup, don’t. it would only benefit you, cementing you image as…
#3: a bad boy.
This is probably the one time that your stint in prison is going to actually benefit you. See, the only thing women love more than tragedy is danger. They’re drawn to dangerous men, lusting after that leather clad, tattoo covered motorcyclist who’ll steal their wallet and knife their parents. This is because of movies like “grease”, which promises that all rebels have a heart made of solid gold, as opposed to the much more likely heart made of solid rape.
There are many ways to capitalize on this, the best being to get a motorcycle. If you can’t afford that (you can’t) then there are several other options. The easiest is to get a tattoo. The tattoo should be something dangerous, really dangerous, and it should be in a place where people should see it at all times. I would recommend getting either a tattoo of Hitler’s face on your face or the aids virus on your torso. That’ll get the message across. Another great way is arson. Nothing’s more dangerous than arson. Just start setting things on fire (warning: do not set the puppy on fire! Despite how badass and tragic a flaming puppy might seem, it is a decided turn off for women.)
By now you’re pretty damn attractive. Theirs only one thing more that you can add to the equation:
#4: cheesecake.
Women fucking love cheesecake; more than Barbra Streisand and Sex and the City marathons combined. So, the best way to attract them is to hand it out. Be careful though; handing out baked goods will undermine you bad boy image (also your broken puppy makes walking around kinda hard). The solution is simple: throw the cheesecake at them, preferable while screaming badass things.
Let’s say, however, that against all odds, the women aren’t drawn to your heavily tattooed guy with a puppy that has broken legs that regularly sets things on fire and throws cheesecake while screaming profanity routine. This is a strong possibility; after all, you are a registered sex offender.
Luckily, I have a plan B:
Get a friend (preferably one you don't really want to keep). By putting your hands together in just the right way, you can make yourself an artificial vagina.
Now, fuck it. Really just go to town. Its going to require a little more flexibility than most sex, but on the plus side you don't have to wear a condom. Just be careful not to get it pregnant.

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